Yes Holy Spirit, I am listening.

I love to be in control of my own life.  I love to make plans, set schedules and dream of what my life will be, then make it so.  I know full well that if the Lord didn't want me to do any of the things I dream of, he wouldn't allow it, and that he is in control of my health, life, etc..  But for my daily, monthly, yearly and decade long plans, I like to be in control.  I yield to the decisions of my husband, and sometimes that is with great turmoil because I want the control, but know that I don't want to be accountable to God for bucking his authority (or a decision going awry) so I keep it to myself. 

Aaron and I have discussed children from the day we met (pretty much).  Did we want them? yes  How many? 2 When did we want them? when we was 30 So all has gone according to plan, ours and what we thought was God's plan too.  I have NEVER wanted more than 2 kids.  I saw myself with 2 kids from the time I was a child.  I have always wanted to homeschool, but I wanted to homeschool only one grade, only have to adjust for accelleration or lack there of - but within one grade.  Once I had kids (14 months apart, also by plan, backed by God) I felt certain in my decision.  Our decision, as Aaron never said anything to the contrary....always something like "yes, 2 is enough".  Kids are so much pressure, they are exhausting, they are expensive, etc, etc, etc.  I have selfishly not wanted to miss anymore sleep, have to watch them 24/7, teach another person how to bathe, brush teeth, talk, read, and so on.

So I had it in my mind, with the agreement of Aaron that we would have a procedure to sterilize one of us.  It was going to be me, after our second, if it was a boy.  The orders were that they would 'tie me up' while I was under surgery already with the C-section.  But in my husbands wisdom at the time, he said, "no".  When it came time for the doctor to do it, Aaron told him "no, I will have something done, rather than my wife".  Ok, so they stapled me up.  But he never did.  And I never did.  But we talked about it, and still planned on it.  Then Aaron started saying (about 2 months ago) he "doesn't want to rule out the possibility of more".  Not that he wants more, just doesn't want to take action against it.  I was shocked by what he was saying, this was out of my plan, our plan.  But ok.

Then 2 weeks later, I get a text message from a friend at 7:30 on a Sat. morning that I had another child, and she and my mom were with me in the delivery room (in Denver, LOL) and I wouldn't turn to face them.  I was so mad.  I asked her if I was screaming (assuming I would be yelling at Aaron) and she said no, asked why.  I told her we were having the discussions about tubals, and she responded "I really think God wants you to have another child".  WOW  Ok, slow down a minute.  This wasn't in my plan.  The next 2 weeks were filled with people asking if we were done having kids.  To which my typical response has always been "OH YEAH, I - AM - DONE!!!".  Now when I said it, I felt a tinge of guilt.  First time ever.  Some of you have heard me jokingly say "I don't want the ones I have, why would I want more".  Now I am incredibly convicted about my thoughts, joking or not, and to have to say out loud "no I don't" was hard to do. 

Don't get me wrong, I still have no burning desire to have more, but my conviction isn't about not wanting more, it is about not allowing God to give us more if he wants.  Not being willing to take them, with joy, and raise them as he has asked me to.  THEN I join this women's study and the book is 'Lies Women Believe and the Truth that sets them free'.  If you are a woman, and have not read this book - do it TODAY!  Do not hesitate.  This woman is inspired by God to speak the Truth of His word to help all the lost women today looking for answers.  She only points you back to God's word to find His plan for our lives.  But again, the topic of childrearing comes up.  And she is a straight talker - no candy coating here.  And again - BAM - convicted.  Ok, Holy Spirit, I get it.  I have a serious issue with control. 

Aaron and I talked about it last night, and again at dinner today.  We don't want to control it, but we know how we feel about having more.  But we also know that God knows us, and wants what is best for us.  He knows if we can handle it or not.  He is watching us.  We have never been fans of birth control, and that is one of our fears, and the reason we think having something tied up is the answer.  But we have decided to go on as we are.  Not change anything, not try to control anything.  If the Lord wants to give us more children, he can and will, just as he did the first 2.  I like this quote from the book.  "Children are to be blessings, and yet sometimes we cry to the heavens 'Lord, please don't send any more blessings".  Ha ha  That is how we feel a lot of times.

I fell my heart changing.  I may not be pro-children, but I am no longer anti-children.  I don't feel the need to stand in His way, making sure He knows how I feel.  I will be open to His decisions.  This week I am going to try to do away with the 'hope' that he wants what I want.  : )